“When we numb [hard feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”
- Brené Brown

 

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Letters from ED

Dear Meredith,

At this point, I'm not really sure what to say other than "I told you so." Can you see now that everything is your fault? I tried warning you.

Your life has been a mess because of the choices you have made. You have let things slip by as if waiting for someone to come along and push you. Well, I am here and always have been. When the world looks at you, they can see the pathetic person you have become. They know it's because you are crazy. You think it's because of me. I am not making you crazy…you do it to yourself. You are lazy, greedy, unattractive, unintelligent, undeserving. You will never let go of me and you will never help others to let go of me because I hang on long after I have been successful. I am the only one who can let go. You are not in control. I have been creating your path and now you must walk with me to the end. You need me too much. Look around…everyone has left except for me.

David left you because you are worthless. He needs a real woman who can listen and who has a chance at a real future. He knew you couldn't fulfill his needs because you can't fulfill anyone's needs. No man will ever truly love you. Everyone hates you and no one wants to talk to you.

You and Dr. Susie make these stupid goals to defeat me. You sit for hours talking about ways to outsmart me. I am there listening and I am the king of reverse psychology. After your sessions I pretend I am leaving and allow you to feel empowered, but ultimately I will take you down again. You are not good enough. You are not thin enough and you never have been. We still have a long way to go.

Pam couldn't help you. Niki couldn't help you. Roger's couldn't even help you, so what makes you think Susie can help you??? Ha, together the two of you will be overcome by the hell I have been constructing. Meredith, this is only the beginning.

Try to walk away again and I promise you this time I will take you to the grave.

Forever Yours,
ED

PS: Tell Susie nice try with the butterflies, but the ants equal REAL success.

April 30, 2007


Dear G,

Why are you trying to sabotage me? I thought we were best friends, but now you are always stabbing me in the back. You always know exactly when I'm talking to you, and you purposely disobey me. Oh well, at least I still have enough power to make you feel bad when you disobey me. It just makes me angry when you don't listen to what I'm telling you. That is why I come back and make you feel regret for your decisions. Like, what were you thinking that time at Maggie Moo's, when you ordered the Udderly Cream with raspberry mix-in? You know I told you to get the non-fat frozen yogurt and you deliberately ignored me! That was why I didn't let you enjoy your ice cream. And I made sure you were miserable all night, because I thought I'd teach you a lesson for next time. Ever since then, I'm glad to see that you haven't gone and ordered another ice cream. As a matter of fact, I don't think you've eaten any ice cream at all! I must say that makes me very happy.

Now, wait, why are you arguing with me right now? I hear you thinking to yourself that you are going to challenge me tonight about your snack. Eat something new? No! I thought we had established your comfort foods. You really shouldn't venture out into the unknown with food. I might make you feel bad afterwards, and it just wouldn't be worth it. Stick with what you know. Make sure you don't take more than you did yesterday, or the day before. Make sure that I am comfortable with what you do. Stop arguing with me! I hate how you have been standing up to me so much lately. Who do you think you are?

Listen, you are my friend and my friend only! I don't want you to enjoy yourself, whether it is by eating food you enjoy, hanging out with other friends, watching a movie you like, or relaxing. I want you to isolate yourself from anyone else, so that you can spend all your time with ME. It also annoys me that you have not been exercising lately. We used to have so much fun on your runs, remember? Now whenever I tell you to go running, you go occupy yourself with some stupid little activity, or project for that Susie of yours.

Also, by the way, you are right. I am definitely trying to keep you back from going to college. As long as you listen to me, you won't be going. That will be all the better for me because I have been able to thrive here in Cincinnati. You won't have any new friends to distract you, and all your friends here will be away at other colleges, so it will be just me and you! What fun I'll have then!

I hear you talking all the time about "kicking ED to the curb" and getting rid of me, but I know you have seen that I am very strong and it won't be easy to shake me off. Every time you fight harder against me, I just fight harder back. I am surprised you haven't just given up by now. I thought we'd be friends for life. But I am getting a little scared now, because it seems like you have a whole group of people who are helping you to fight me. You are all ganging up on me! You, Susie, Ann, Dr. Braverman, Dr. Geracioti and apparently, you have even found people in St. Louis to fight me off, too! Why, Gita? I hear you telling me, "because I will be happier without you." It is my job to never let you see what life is like without me, because I am afraid that you will like it more. And I don't want to let you out from under my control.

It really is a shame that you have started disobeying me so much. I knew this would happen, especially after you read that book "Life without ED" and started being so committed to your recovery. It is hard for me to keep fighting when you have appointments all the time, with Susie and Ann and your doctor. I guess you have realized that I am a manipulative a** and now you don't want to be my friend. I just wish our fun times together wouldn't end. If you ever decide to come back to me, I'll be here! Why are you saying "Never"? Come on! Don't ditch me now! You can'tttt!!!!...NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!...

Your desperate, pathetic, ex-best friend

ED


Dear Kyle,

I am your friend. You know that one who will always keep you company when the rest of your lousy f**king friends and family won't. I am always there for you. I make you feel better. I help you out a lot. Why in the f**king world would you think that you don't need me? Kyle, you are NOTHING without me. I am everything to you and for you. I am your identity. With me you were able to do a lot of things. Without me you will only be fat and depressed. Now who the wants that? I know you don't. So why are you even going to therapy? Why did you go to Renfrew? I'm getting lost in all this bulls**t and I don't like it. And you know what's happening to you? You are getting drugged up and fed and made to drink way too much high caloric Gatorade.

Kyle this is doing nothing for you. You need to think this through. We have really had some good times together. Good times, especially in the falls. I made you look AMAZING. Holy s**t Kyle how many comments did you get?! Yeah um exactly. And you know what else everyone was so jealous of you. Everyone was so envious of your will power that I made you have. Who else could not eat sweets for six years? Who else could only have a diet of fruits and vegetables and no fat? Right.

Not many people could do that. And you looked so much better. What's up with you gaining all this weight. You need to take it off. You look horrible. And since you look horrible I know that you feel like s**t too. I think I've made my point. It's time you come back to me. It'll make things a lot better.

Love,

ED


Dear Kris,

You think you are sly, don't you??? You think Susie is going to get me out of your head. I'll tell you what, she's pretty good...you've ignored me more since you've been seeing her more than you EVER have!!! But, what happens when you stop seeing Susie??? What happens when there is no more Susie??? You'll come crawling back to me, begging me for company. I'll oblige of course, but WHY ditch me for Susie when she will eventually be gone and you will be alone again (that's where I come in!!!)why not save yourself some heartache and start ignoring Susie now, instead of ignoring me!!! I'll be even harder on you when you come crawling back to me if you keep listening to her!!! That's the rules!!! You ignore me or try to defy me, and I get pissed!!! The rules get more restrictive each time you ignore me!!!

Susie won't be around for the rest of your life, she probably won't be around for that much longer anyways. You know that always happens!!! I'm the only one who has stayed with you, through thick and thin, although you've never been thin!!! You've been thick, and you still are!!! That's why you need me!!! You know you are such a better person when you lose weight, weigh less. You are a total b**ch when you gain weight, you are so horrible to be around!!!

You don't want to be alone. The only way you won't be alone is if you stick with me. I have NEVER left you (like so many others have!!!) and I NEVER f**king will!!!

Love

Master ED


Dear Kim,

Well, congratulations! You are well on your way to letting yourself go. It's only a matter of time until you're fat just like you used to be. Remember back in high school? You were so worthless. You tried out for the basketball team and didn't make it because you weren't in the in crowd. What a disappointment to your Dad. You wouldn't dare try out for cheerleading with all the skinny girls. Your Mom and Dad didn't even encourage you to do that - probably because they knew you'd get made fun of. You couldn't even make the dance team, which was known for being made up of a bunch of fat girls. Any guy who would like you was a chubby chaser. Not than any guys did! You were always - and will always be - the fat friend.

Yeah, you were confident when you performed, but look back at those pictures! You were disgusting. You probably could've been somebody or taken it further if you "looked the part." But you never did. You were too fat and had bad skin. And guess what, you are the same person you used to be. If you don't restrict your calories, you'll end up exactly where you were. Do you see how gross your sister looks since she has gained all that weight? She used to be such an awesome performer. She'd get up on stage and everyone would think she was hot. But now she wouldn't turn any heads. Is it because she can't sing? No. It's because she doesn't look the part.

Why are you even going through this whole "recovery" thing anyway. Do you think you're as skinny as those girls? Don't flatter yourself. You might as well be saying, "Look at me! I'm in the anorexics club! That means I'm skinny." Well you're not skinny. You're actually the big joke of the group. You're like the fat girl on the cheerleading squad. They always have to let one fat girl in to show that they don't discriminate. "It's not about the weight!" Yeah right, that's what they SAY. But you know what it really means: They're telling you that you're the perfect example of how people with eating disorders don't have to be skinny. As for going to the nutritionist, that is even MORE ridiculous! Come on, who do you think you are. You know you're going to put on weight. Don't you see that by re-introducing all these foods you've been so good about staying away from for so long, you'll puff up like a balloon. Your Mom and sisters claim to eat pretty healthy and they're fat, so you know that if you eat "normal" you will revert to your "natural" fat size. It's in your genes. Thanks a lot to your parents, by the way. You should hate them for making you destined to be fat. Fat people shouldn't have kids. It's just irresponsible and unfair to people like you who are born into it and don't have a choice. So anyway, you start off with a "harmless" tablespoon of peanut butter and before long you'll be eating a whole pizza.

As for the night eating, you're wrong if you think eating more during the day will make it stop. You're so gluttonous, you can't even go a few hours without sneaking down to the fridge or closet while I'm asleep. You're not only sneaking from me, but you know you're sneaking from Neil too. If he saw you eat, you know what he'd be thinking: "Geez, is she eating again???" And as much as he'll deny it, he and every other guy thinks girls who eat "normal" are great as friends but not attractive. And they're right. You're going to be as big as a house! You'll be bigger than Neil, which isn't right because a girl should always be smaller than her man. Maybe if you had a bigger guy you could afford to eat a little more.

If you believe that crap about life being better without me, you're more gullible than I thought. Sure, people are happier - you've heard the expression "Fat and happy." But you will never be happy because you'll be too self-conscious about how nasty you look. People are going to notice that you've gained weight and think to themselves, "She has let herself go" just like you think about anyone you notice has gained weight. If you think people don't notice, you're wrong. Especially girls! Girls are innately jealous, so they're just waiting to say, "Ha ha, she has really packed on the pounds!" Just like when your Dad used to comment that someone had put on the freshman 15. You're already pretty tall. Do you want to be big all over? You're well on your way! Other people's metabolisms are different than yours. They can eat normal and not get fat. But your genes are bad and you WILL get fat. That is, unless you keep restricting, exercising and taking laxatives. If you get rid of me, you won't just be getting rid of the ED behaviors. You'll also be getting rid of the part of you that keeps you organized, driven and disciplined. I am what motivates you. I am what inspires you. I am what keeps you accountable. I am what makes you strong. Without me, you're just a soft, gelatinous, wimpy, weak, disheveled and unmotivated mess!

Your Only Friend,

ED


Dear Nicole,

Your 30th birthday, now you are no longer young, and you are still fat. You're been a food-sneaking overeater all of your pitiful life. That's why, you know you really are cracking me up with this whole "getting healthy" thing. Give me a break, would ya? You have been a fat person your whole life. You think that a year of therapy and a few walks around the block changes everything huh? Really? If it changes everything, why haven't you exercised all week? Why can't you stay off the scale? Why did your son point out just today that you are way bigger than Daddy. You've been waiting for that haven't you? Everyone you talked to about it blew sunshine and roses up your a** and told you that kids don't judge their moms when they're overweight. Wrong! He is going to be five and he is starting to get it. Now what? Whoopie dee doo, you've lost 20 lbs. Your son still sees you as a house. 

To top it off, you have passed your pig-like habits on to him. Just tonight, he's joking saying he's going to "sneak" into the refrigerator. Normal kids do not say that. The neighborhood kids are already telling him he's fat. You think Susie is going to fix all of that. Yeah right. You go ahead and make your 'life change' and when it gets old, I'll be waiting for you. You are trying to deny who you really are, we belong together. It's natural, look at Mitch, he's already acting like you. You're trying to change genetics and eventually it won't work.

Just wait until you begin working on that doctorate, you'll be stressed out, trying to please everybody, trying to get an A on every paper. You'll be up late at night, everyone asleep, and the fridge will call you. Just wait. No more time for exercise. You'll realize that you're more comfortable with me. What's worse, you won't fix your unhealthy relationship with food, you'll be bigger than ever and your husband will be working extra at the gym to support you as you get your doctorate, surrounded by, and even working with thin, attractive women who take better care of themselves that you do. You don't think eventually he'll get sick of having the fat wife? He will. Just watch.

You're not getting any better. Just tonight, you wait for everyone to go to bed and because it's your birthday and you know there is crap in the house, you eat extra ice cream. Somehow you think its better than before because you used a bowl. Give me a break! You already had some at your mom's with cake, on top of the huge meal you ate at Don Pablo's. Face it sister, you belong with me. Go ahead and fool yourself and throw away your money with Susie, and when you're finished, I'll be here like every other failed attempt at weight loss you've ever made.

I'm waiting,

ED

 



Dear Shelli,
I am so mad at you.  You have hurt me for so long in so many ways.  My skin, my muscles, my hair,but mostly my heart.  I hate the fact that you are killing the strongest muscle I have to keep your ass alive.  You think the skipping beats for 15 years means nothing?  Think again.  I am giving you a chance and I will tell you why.  Over the last year I have been noticing a lot of changes.  I have been fed more in 1 year then I have in 15.  How can I say that??  Well feeding doesn't count when it just gets puked right out.  Carrots???? Are you kidding.  Anyways I am willing to forgive you for all that as long as you continue on the path of healing me.  I need food to keep you alive. So please feed me and often.  I want you to be happy with me and I know that will take time.  I just wonder how in the hell I was the one who got stuck with all your problems.  I am glad to see that you are dealing with them.  Please keep up the good work and please keep the food coming.  I Love You.
Your Body

Shelli
April 24, 2007


Dear Shelli,
Hello Sweetheart!!  I miss you more and more each day.  Why are you divorcing me?  We have been together 15 wonderful years??  Why are you pushing me away?  I have always been here for you. When you have wanted to cry I have stopped you.  When you were mad I stopped you from expressing that.  I protected you damnit!!  I miss you Sheli.   Please honey do not listen to what all those Dr's are telliing you.  Who has been the one to always be there for you?  Not the family, not your friends,definitly not these stupid Dr's.  It is me who has made you the wonderful woman you are today.  You are going to be nothing but a depressed mess without me.  I do not want to hurt you. I have never wanted to hurt you.  I want you to be happy again like the good ol' times.  Just think 15 years and not a feeling to deal with!! What are you trying to do?  We are a team and will always be one.  I am only a feeling away.  I Love you and miss you.  ED

Shelli
April 24, 2007